Anyway, it got me thinking about cheering the fella up, from the point of view of someone who used to live in Scotland but who now lives in a temperate rain forest climate on the west coast of North America where the sun's been shining steadily for the past few weeks and we can see eagles soaring majestically in the air, pretty much any day of the week.
Pheww; here goes.
1. You can buy chocolate that tastes like chocolate and not baby sick, any day you like, mate. I've written about North American chocolate before and won't bore you yet again but it's a real reason to be thankful, I can tell you.
2. You can go and see your favourite bands whenever they tour, because they always tour in the UK and rarely come to Canada. When you live in Vancouver you have to take what you can get and hence I've seen George Michael live. I'm not proud of it, but it was surprisingly good, I have to say. I've seen a couple of other bands too, but not much. The Raconteurs were particularly excellent last summer and Josh loved his first experience of a live show, but the opportunities in Scotland are far more than over here. On the other hand, when bands do tour here, you get to see them in ting places that they would never be able to play in Scotland. We've seen REM in a park and stood feet away from Michael Stipe, Travis is a wee venue and they came in through the crowd and Tracey shook Fran's hand and The Black Crowes in a theatre.
3. You can drink a pint of British cask conditioned ale in a pub that doesn't have numerous screens showing various different sporting events and have the aforementioned beer delivered by an expert at the correct temperature (room temperature) and not the temperature of ice. You can't taste beer at that temperature. I should know, I've tried on numerous occasions.
4. You have proper television. You have the BBC and all their wonderful programs made by people who love their art and are capable of producing superb, thought provoking drama, hilarious comedy, entertaining music shows or world class documentaries and not the dross we have to put up with over here. And that's just the BBC. The majority of the stuff here is imported American sewage, made for morons and sadly depressing. I'm not suggesting Canadians are the morons that I referred to in the previous sentence, by the way. They are a little further south.
5. Your radio (particularly the BBC) is second to none. Admittedly this is a mute point because you can listen to it on the world wide interweb as long as you keep in touch with what's on and listen to it within 7 days of it's broadcast, but frankly, I'm beginning to run out of reasons.
6. The scenery up the west coast and the north coast Of Scotland is breath-taking. It's even more breath-taking here but I've always been a fan of the Highlands and the holidays we spent up there were amongst the most relaxing I have ever had. Rent a cottage in the middle of nowhere, take a few books (none of your pulpy trashy fiction - take quality people), some choice beer/wine and some sturdy footwear and you're sorted. Even if (or when) it rains all week...who cares, because you are on holiday, in the middle of nowhere. It's everything that vacation should be; a complete escape from the trials and tribulations of normal working life.
7. The curry in the UK is only something that you can only truly appreciate if you miss it for a couple of years. The curry here is runny. That and the apparent lack of those spicey onions that you eat with those big crisps are the only issues I can think of moaning about, but when you can't get thick creamy curry sauce and spicey onion stuff with a pint of Lal Tu Fan (not spelling it properly, but John Hunter knows what I'm talking about) you'll understand just how good Scottish curry is, particularly in Glasgow.
8. Football is called football in Scotland and not "soccer". You've no idea how frustrating it is to have to say soccer all the time. I even have to say it when I talk to other Scottish people here for fear of confusing them. It's fitba, but if you say "fitba" they think that "football" is a terribly rough game played by wimps (they have to wear all that padding) and an ill-shaped ball...with cheer leaders, the world's most distracting sporting phenomenon. AND, if you want to see some proper fitba, you can go down Tynecastle and see it live and not the part time pish we have to watch here.
9. I need to get to 10 for our Don. Erm........Blackpudding. In fact, breakfast. Breakfast here is eggs and a few bits of other stuff. I hate eggs because, as most of you will know, they come out of chicken's bums and look, smell and probably taste foul. In Scotland you can have proper bacon and not the paper-thin stuff here, tatty scones, proper sausages, beans, mushrooms, toast and blackbloodypudding. Proper breakfast.
10. Made it...Next...the shop. Nothing remotely like it here.
OK, that should cheer you up sir.
Now, having said all that I wouldn't want to move back from here because I prefer Vancouver and have fallen in love with the scenery, the way of life, the quality of life, the people (not literally Tracey, there's still only room for you my Lover) and the record stores. We can see bears in the streets, eagles in the sky and whales in the ocean. We can watch basketball (shite), hockey (I'm being converted), football (mmmmmm) and baseball (HELP) all year round and ski in the winter. In the Spring we can ski in the morning and go to the beach in the afternoon and it's warm. You can ski in the morning and go to the beach in Scotland too but it would have to be Hillend (skiing on upsidedown brushes) followed by Portabelly.
Has this worked Mr Pretsell?
Anyway, I'm off. You'll be delighted to know that it's pouring here today. Bloody weather.
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